In the last six months or so, I have had an unpleasant revelation about myself. I realized that for most of my 55 years of life whenever I’ve been listening to people, I’ve been listening to offer “fixes”, i.e. solutions. You’ve probably done this yourself at some point. The classic example is something like:
Someone: “Ugh.. my legs hurt so much from <skiing | biking | skating | running | hiking | etc.>"
Me: “Oh, that’s rough! You should take two ibuprofen. You’ll feel better!"
There I was, jumping in with a solution and trying to help.
But here’s the thing - they were NOT asking for help!
They were simply sharing their current condition. Perhaps looking for sympathy or empathy, but perhaps not. Maybe just saying how they were feeling.
An article I read (and now can’t find) clued me in to my errors. A couple of points:
- If I’m thinking ahead to solutions, then I’m probably only half-listening. I’m not necessarily completely hearing them. I’m hearing enough to send me down the path of thinking of solutions… and so part of my brain is now focused on that instead of hearing all of what they are saying.
- They may already have a solution. In my example, they may have already taken ibuprofen or something else. They aren’t seeking a solution. They just want someone to listen and hear them.
- My quick jump to offering an unsolicited “fix” may cause them to NOT want to share anything with me.. as they don’t want a fix!
Once I became aware of this, I realized that I did this all the time... with our oldest daughter away at university… with my wife… with our youngest daughter… with co-workers… with friends… with probably most everyone. 🙁
Part of it is, I think, my natural desire to help people. Part of it is that I’ve just always been a “fixer”.. the person you drop into a situation to figure out what needs to be done … and to get it done. And I enjoy doing that!
But I’ve realized that this is not always appropriate. That often people just want to share.. that they want to “bend an ear” and have someone listen to them. That they’re not necessarily looking for fixes. And that perhaps a better path is to ask before offering a fix.
So I’ve been trying to change. To listen more fully and to just… listen. To close my mind to what solutions might be out there and to just focus on what they are saying. To truly hear them.
I’m trying to have my responses more along the lines of one of these:
Someone: “Ugh.. my legs hurt so much from <skiing | biking | skating | running | hiking | etc.>"
Me: “Oh, that’s rough!"
Me: "Oh, that’s rough! Are you okay?"
Me: "Oh, that’s rough! Are you okay? Can I get you anything?"
And then depending upon the answer and the situation, I may now try to say something more like:
Me: “Do you want an idea that may help? Or are you all set?"
All of that before getting to offering the solution.
It’s a hard path to being a better listener… to simply “listening to hear” rather than “listening to fix”. But it’s a path I’m trying to follow..
